Broken
by Strawberry-miow
Summary: Jesse’s thoughts on Susannah and why he can never tell her…


DISCLAIMER: I do not, and never will, own any of the concepts or characters referred to in this piece of writing. They all belong to the wonderful Jenny Carroll/Meg Cabot I am merely borrowing them for entertainment purposes and the song lyrics are from "Haunted" by the fantastic Evanescence, borrowed with the utmost adoration for the music.  
  
SUMMARY: Jesse's thoughts on Susannah and why he can never tell her.  
  
Oh if you are a big fan of the mediator check out my site, go have a look, investigate, join and talk about the books and such with other members! Also a fanfiction section to post your contributions and adoration to Ms. Carroll! It also had Nightworld stuff etc if any of you are also fans of L J Smith and I am currently working on a Tamora pierce section! Go check it out!  
  
~*~  
  
Broken  
  
By strawberry_miow (Jen)  
  
~*~  
  
For a hundred and fifty years I have been here, tied to this earth by the chains of my own stupidity and family values, for a century and a half I have had nobody but myself to talk to, to depend on, to take care of..Forever has passed me by without a word, only my own thoughts for company, the words of my own death haunting every molecule of my existence..  
  
~*Long lost words whisper slowly to me*~  
  
Then she came along, the single light in my years of darkness, long nights of nothing but faded memories dissociating into adventures I thought I had seen the last of with my final breath as a mortal, death settling over me as I bid my farewells to the world.or so I thought.  
  
One hundred and fifty long years and I'm still here, in the house that killed me with the girl who saved me, quite ironic isn't it? That I consider Susannah to have saved my life when in reality; I don't have a life to save.  
  
Even when my corpse was dug up from the dirt and dust of the old earth I remained here, non-moving like I didn't have a choice abut leaving or not, finding out how I died also didn't do a thing about setting my soul free and sending me to the great beyond.  
  
One hundred and fifty long years and I still remain here, yet the question now is: why?  
  
~*Still can't find what keeps me here*~  
  
Although asking myself that question is probably a little stupid, deep down I know why I am still here and it is a lot simpler than Susannah likes to think it is, she could research my whole family history right back to the first ever De Silva, she could even follow in my footsteps of when I was alive and she would still never find a way to get rid of me.  
  
I know the reason alright, yet never would I tell her.  
  
~*When all this time I've been so hollow inside*~  
  
Ever.  
  
~*I know you're still there*~  
  
Sometimes I think she knows my biggest secret, when I find her eyes catching me looking at her, but how could I not?  
  
I see her watching me sometimes, in the way I watch her and even if just for a moment I wonder..  
  
Wonder if she sees me as anything else but a ghost who won't leave her alone.  
  
Always haunting her..  
  
~*Watching me wanting me*~  
  
But I know, even if she did like me so to speak, if she loved me..we could never be together, the realms of the living and the dead are too far apart to ever be united, I could never give her what she wants.  
  
What she deserves..  
  
Yet I can't help how I feel, if only it didn't hurt so much..  
  
~*I can feel you pull me down*~  
  
In my time, love was something you were made to feel to the one you were betrothed to - I was forced by my family values and respect to "love" Maria, yet I know I never really did, only now, since I met her do I truly know what it means to feel..  
  
But now I also feel afraid, for the first time in my life (and in my death).I'm scared that if I love her I will lose her, with me being dead it is reasonable right? If I admit it to her, tell her how much I feel for her then I will just.disappear, move on, leaving the only true happiness behind to live her life how she should. Which is why I can never tell her..  
  
Ever..  
  
~*Fearing you loving you*~  
  
For my own sake as much as hers..  
  
~*I won't let you pull me down*~  
  
Father Dominic is a reminder of why I can never be with her, he tells the story of how he fell in love with a ghost and she moved on, forever alone as the mortal who now walks in heartache.just looking at him reminds me why, even when I am so desperately on the edge of letting go, that I must never let myself do such.I don't want Susannah to spend her life mourning something that can't be, I won't let myself ruin her life by telling her.  
  
Everything seems so complicated, she is alive while I am..well, dead. I could never give her anything she wants.  
  
~*Hunting you I can smell you - alive*~  
  
Despite how I know she feels the same way. the times I broke down and kisses her, all my well worked for resolve crumbling with every tear she shed, each time she touched me I would feel.alive again, dare I say as if there was a chance we could be together, her lips on mine..  
  
~*Your heart pounding in my head*~  
  
It tears me in two knowing all I want and wanting all I know, having it so close yet so out of reach..  
  
~*Watching me wanting me  
  
I can feel you pull me down*~  
  
I feel so broken, and she is the only one who can fix me..yet I will forever stay unmendable, as I can't tell her. She saved my life and shattered it all at the same time, when she risked her own life to bring me back from the shadowlands, then, I just knew..she loved me as much as I did her, I was ecstatic.  
  
I was disillusioned.  
  
I am naïve, still dreaming of what I will to be knowing full well it would only break her heart when I left.  
  
~*Saving me raping me*~  
  
I love Susannah with all my heart  
  
But in the end, that is what will be my destruction. 


End file.
